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Video Game Tech Phails – Part 1

January 2, 2015 — by Mithun "Barbarian_Monkey" Mohandas0

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Long has the term “Nerd” been attached to gamers. Though nerds only form a small sliver of the community, we’ve regardless been encompassed in it. So what do we do? We drop ‘em “nerd” glasses on and hunt for the silliest fallacies about technology in video games. Now we aren’t going after zombies and talking bunnies, we’re going after technology that seems truly possible in this day and age but wouldn’t work in the ridiculous way that they’ve been implemented in games. So let’s don our lab coats start with the first in a line of epic fails. (Caution: This is about to get a bit pedantic.)

The Protec Grappler G3 Grappling Hook from Just Cause

Let’s establish the era first. The game manual indicates that the events begin to happen around 2006. So everything in the game is pretty much how the world is now or rather a few years back (gotta get ‘em facts right!). The G3 is supposedly a magnetic hook except it can also attach itself to coconut palms, human beings and all sorts of stuff as long as it is solid (or maybe not). Unless the darn thing has got a few hundred geckos taped at the end we don’t really know of anything that could stick to everything under the sun. Don’t even get us started on the physics, being able to latch onto helicopters flying by without having your arms ripped off was ridiculous enough for us to not probe any further.

Long range knifing – Call of Duty Ghosts

“You always run faster with the knife.” – FPS Doug

The mystical knife has long been staple of every FPS game. If you ran out of ammo then it was your only hope, a single backstab could end your enemy’s miserable life. So you’d assume that the knife was rarely drawn. Nope, the knife was ridiculously popular. You actually did run faster with the knife in Counter Strike, it was a perk that’d let you catch up and even have a fighting chance. After all, you were literally bringing a knife to a gunfight.

Fast forward a few years and Call of Duty Ghosts came along. Like all games of the era, it was chock-full of glitches. You could access impossible locations on the map with a knife or even have a buddy backstab you with friendly fire turned on just as you were about to jump and you’d get a speed boost. However, one particular glitch just blew our minds – the knife snipe! You read that right, there was a glitch in the ‘Commando perk’ where if you’d switch to the knife at the right moment between shots then your knife becomes a bullet. Except it doesn’t just fly off towards the enemy, it drags you with it to the target. So you have a make-shift teleporter of sorts.

You don’t get shot in the head – Gears of Wars

Take a gander at Marcus Fenix. Big-ass gun? Check. Big-ass armour? Check. Bullet-proof bandana? Check! No amount of bullets can get past that soiled bandana and split his skull open because this Kevlar-infused carbon nanofiber-based mithril bandana bounces bullets while keeping a high style quotient.

But is he alone, heck naw! The entirety of Delta Squad goes into battle without any headgear because that’s how badass this bandana is.

Jump into planes – Battlefield

While the majority of us nerds can’t make it in Seal Team 6 we aren’t left without a recourse. Battlefield helps add a little realism to our make believe rescue operations (We’re looking at you, daydreamers!) and what not. The folks at EA felt that having a realistic FPS game wasn’t going to keep minting money so a bit of surrealism was necessary.

So in Battlefield you can not only fly fighter jets and shoot people but if you want to go out and get some air then by all means eject for a while… take in the sights and sounds of the battle scenario and shoot a few enemies while you’re plummeting through the air to your death. But wait! You spot a fighter jet in the distance and it’s about to cross your path. In real life, either you’ll not collide and continue to fall or blow up into millions of pieces owing to the momentum of a F35 hurtling at the speed of sound. Battlefield, however, let’s you jump into the cockpit instead and take control of the plane. Now in what Newtonian world is that even possible? YouTube is full of such stunts.

Well, that was about it for our first instalment of video game fails. Keep an eye for future issues where we might pick up again and vent some more. Meanwhile, feel free to send in your suggestions in the comments section below! We’ll feature the best ones here.

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Mithun "Barbarian_Monkey" Mohandas

Deep in the suburban jungle roams the only member of the mystical species, Barbarianicus Ass-kick-us. This super awesome creature carries with it the answers to none of life's mysteries. Then what on earth could be so awesome about him? Being able to binge-game for countless hours and exercise remarkable restraint over his penchant for sarcasm around members of lesser species are just some of qualities that make him likeable...really likeable. xD

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